Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more! Typical morning of a parent:
Tell kid to get dressed for the 10th time.
Get in the car.
Forget coffee.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 12, 2017 Grocery shopping with kids is just saying "put that back!" every 30 seconds until everyone is crying.— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) January 13, 2017 Me on Instagram: Made cupcakes w the kids, love them so much
Me for real: YOU'RE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER JESUS CHRIST LET ME DO IT— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 12, 2017 I highly suggest you tell your kids to help clean up. They won't do it, but they will disappear and leave you the hell alone for a few.— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) January 9, 2017 Let's get married and have kids so instead of joining in on the hottest new Netflix show we can delete 100 Paw Patrol episodes from our DVR.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 13, 2017 Kids back in school today so I apologize to neighbors who saw me dance naked in my house singing "It's the most wonderful time of the year!"— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) January 9, 2017 My MIL watched the kids. Internet was out, so she folded 4 baskets of laundry
I think the internet will now be out every time she babysits— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 8, 2017 When your spouse suggests that you both take the kids sledding in 9 degree weather because "it'll be fun!" pic.twitter.com/UoczLYB2kG— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 8, 2017 It's like my boys don't even appreciate having a cool mom who belts out all their favorite Taylor Swift songs in the school drop off line.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 12, 2017 Can someone explain to me why my 5-year-old son can't hold any kind of object for more than 45 seconds without throwing it?— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) January 11, 2017 Co-worker: you have food on your shirt.
Me: I have a kid, it's okay.
Co-worker: it's like a lot of food.
Me: two of them. I have two kids.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) January 12, 2017 Have kids so you can ask important questions like "Did you just lick the lamp?" and "Why are you sticky?" and "Why is the lamp sticky?"— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 12, 2017 6-year-old: This is the best blanket fort I've ever built!
Me: There's no room for your sisters.
6: I know!— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2017 At toddler's Dr: *Stumbles over her birthdate. Flat out doesn't know her SSN*
*On the way home sings every word to an 80s song*
-Mom Brain— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 12, 2017 My 5yo and I are evil laughing because everyone went to work and school and we went back to bed.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) January 10, 2017 Whenever one of my kids is in trouble with me, his brothers automatically become his court-appointed defense attorney.— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) January 12, 2017 A dog year is equal to 7 people years just as a parent year is equal to 7 non-parent years.
It's science.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 12, 2017 90% of parenting is trying to determine if your kids' feelings are genuine or just them trying to manipulate the crap out of you again.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) January 12, 2017 "You look super full. I'm gonna go ahead and jump on your belly." ~ Toddlers— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 13, 2017 School registration survey asked if my daughter is: shy, outgoing, stubborn, independent, unsure, excitable.
I just circled all the above.— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) January 12, 2017 This cacophony of singing toys with songs distorted by half-dead batteries is just a little too real right now.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) January 13, 2017 There's a point in a parent's life when they must accept that they'll never keep a clean house. I've hit that point stepping on some legos.— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) January 9, 2017